There are two words I challenge constantly in therapy sessions with children and parents: “try” and “don’t.”
They sound harmless, but both can quietly make behaviour worse.
Why “Try” Doesn’t Really Help
When a child says, “I’ll try,” it often already includes permission to fail.
“I tried” becomes the safety net.
That’s why, in therapy, we often change “I’ll try” into “I will.” If a task feels too hard, we adjust it until it feels achievable instead of overwhelming.
The same applies at home.
“Try and do your homework” is vague.
“Do the first five minutes now” is clear.
Children respond far better to certainty than pressure disguised as encouragement.
Why “Don’t” Usually Backfires
The brain focuses on the action itself.
So when you say:
“Don’t run!”
The child’s brain hears:
“Run.”
“Don’t shout.”
“Don’t tap that spoon.”
“Don’t slam the door.”
You’ve accidentally directed attention straight toward the behaviour you want to stop.
Instead, give the brain a different instruction.
“Walk next to me.”
“Use your calm voice.”
“Put the spoon on the table.”
Clear direction works better than negative correction.
Small Language Changes Create Big Behaviour Changes
This doesn’t mean children instantly become perfectly behaved.
But changing your language often reduces arguments, frustration, and emotional escalation surprisingly quickly.
Many children are not refusing to cooperate.
They’re simply responding to unclear communication patterns they hear every day.
Once you notice how often “try” and “don’t” appear in conversation, you can’t unsee it.
